1. 1st real fight, 1.g (high school) in biology class.
We were fooling around in the biology class and then all of a sudden Halil,
who wasn't the tool in the shed, took glass piper (the kind of instrument you use for measuring) and hit me with the sharp end
in my neck area. I suspect he didn't like the fooling around and was getting upset or annoyed and took out on me. There was some grabbing
and it quickly escalated into a fight. He punched me and I reacted instinctly and punched him right in the face and he started to bleed from the nose.
He wanted to continue and so did I but the teacher stepped in and so did the fellow students.
It was harmless play from the others and he also participated in the play, so his reaction was very exaggerated, but unfortunately somebody have
tiny peanut brains (or shit for brains as they say). Since this was my very first fight with blood and punches, my experience was practically
none-existent. Had I a bit more experience and training like I have today, I would have really messed him because he was a much taller and larger
(chubby fat ass) trying to hurt a fellow student with a sharp tool because you cant handle other students teasing each other. Unfortunately the
world is full of peanut brain imbeciles.
Opponent: Tall chubby moron, Halil
Date: 2002/2003 TBC
2. I got knocked down Lloret de Mar!!! (And I dont even remember :))
I went on vacation with my old classmates Alper and Martin. It was kind of a crappy trip as I was basically
drinking Sangria by myself most of the time. At least my other classmates were there as well, Lasse and Rasmus.
One night were I was going around with a 5 liter sangria and with these two girls (nothing sexual happened, they were kind danish girls)
we went clubbing and then I got a blackout and I do not remember the fight at all (if you can call it that), but two girls told me the story that I was yelling alot of nonesense
to some Spanish people such as "Chupa mis huevos" which means "Suck my eggs", a nice way of saying suck my balls
and in the end one of them punched me and I got cluster knocked the fuck down. As a result
I got a beautiful bruise. In all fairness I dont blame the punching me, I probably deserved it.
Date: 2004?
3. Golden Sands fight part 1; fight in front the local club early in the morning.
For unknown reasons a fight broke out between me and another fella. In one quick
movement I charged and avoided punches and grabbed/wrestled him around the neck and tossed him on the floor.
I think I punched him in the face while I had him locked and was on the floor. People stepped in and fight was
finished and so was the guy.
Date: 2005! TBC
4. Golden Sands fight part 2; fight with Dildo.
My dear friend (aka Dildo) punched me (out of the blue) and got clusterfucked-up in under 5 seconds.
3-4 quickfire punched were returned and his face was smashed and on the floor. He tried to
make a comeback by grabbing a bottle (or two) and trying break them on asfalt. Embarrassingly, and with an onlooking crowd, he didnt manage to break
it and fight was over. Very cringey..... The next day his face looked clustersmacked up and my face still looked like before.
5. FIGHT AT THE KITCHEN HOSPITAL
Not really a fist fight but rather an altercation. Me and sister were working in the kitchen of Hvidovre Hospital washing and cleaning dishes.
My sister passed by and the Moroccan cleaner was saying something to rest of us, letting us that a sexy lady just passed by. He was not aware
that it was my sister. Upon seeing this I told him in a normal tone, without sounding upset or angry, that the lady he talking about was my sister and then I continued washing the dishes on
the band line. Apparently he got "offended" and went from his position on the band line and walked up to my face and grabbed my waist in a tight hold.
What a m.o.r.o.n with a capital M. Had he simply stayed put in his position and continued his daily work nothing would have happened.
Instead I told this cluster motherfucker to 'let me go' 3 times at least and then I proceeded to punching several times on the chest and then pushed him.
My fellow colleagues intervened and stopped the brawl. It was a bit cringey because this was a scuffle in a work place and we also had to speak with
the supervisors about what happened.
Date: 2005-2006 summer TBC
6. Fight in Festival
My friend from Hvidvore Hospital, Martin Brandt invited to a party in Vordingborg in the summer time.
I was so drunk and dont remember anything.
7. Main Central Station fight
An idiot made his shoulders wide and walked into me on purpose on the escalators.
I saw noticed it and also made my shoulders wider and gave a push back as he was bumping into me. It quickly escalated to a fight on the
escalators.
I made my signature move and grabbed him around the throat in a wrestling move/arm throat lock.
While being locked he tried to move me around and get free, and I was delivering 2-3 uppercuts right in the
face with right hand while having him in a lock with the left. Fight was stopped by strangers at the top of the stairs
and the commotion ended. The moron went away rather quick as I suspect he realized he would get smashed up. He
was the instiator while I was innocent (obviously). Judging by his looks and behaviour he seemed like an immigrant perhaps
a second or third generation, but nonethoughless what I would call third generation pussy.
Date: 2005-2006
8. Rumble in the City
Me and dildo vs 3-6 pussies. Dildo started the fight by spitting at one person infront of a Seven Eleven in gothersgade. If I remember correctly it
was right after existing the club "NASA / Kulorbar".
The person reacted by hitting Conrad in the face and was knocked out. I'm not if it was a serious of punches
or one single punch that caused the knock out. After that I was fighting 3 or 4 guys alone, it reminded me a bit like
tag teams, the young pussies taking turns to punch me. To be honest I didn't really take much damage despite them being +4 people, although
I was on the ground and my pants was also falling off, but I kept rising and fight. Surrender is not an option. It was going a bit back and forth like this
and then one of the pussies (an ugly immigrant looking pussy but maybe he was danish) said in a well spoken danish accent "addddd bruger du baelte, bruger du baelte"
which means; "are you using belt huh" in a condencing manner as if I was doing something ilegal. I was one against all of the pussies so of course I
took my belt off and started swinging it.
One of the pussies was dark skinned or African I would say and I kept saying things such as "you black chocolate ball" or "monkee" to insult
them and saying racist things (I know its not very nice and I'm not a nazi).
In the end the police sirens started and the ran like chickens running for their lifes.
Dildo suffered a badly bruised eye (the biggest I have ever seen) but made a full recovery. Mentally maybe he needed sometime to recover,
as its never fun to suffer damages to the eye.
From my side I didnt manage to knock them but I think a did a bit of damage on the white person, maybe a tad big on the immigrant, while the black
pussy didnt get any visible injuries, and the rest I of them I dont think receied any punishment. Would loved to have dealt more damage amongst
the opponents.
Date: 2008?
8. Gran Canaria - Wilson bouncer?
This was not much of a fight. I got my poor bottom kicked. My flatmates Susanna, Miguel, Cristina, and I think some others,
were joking around at the entrance to Wilson (a dance club) near Fernando Guanarteme. We were trying to get in but the bouncers would not let
us in or were telling us to wait. I was drunk but not so drunk that I was out of control.
We were not threatening or insulting them, just talking in a normal way, and then I decided to go in a jokingly way without their consent.
One of the bouncers decided to sucker punch me from the side, which was rather unexpected, and I was knocked down to the floor. I got up
and didnt do anything and neither did he. I remember I was quite surprised and also didn't feel like fighting so it ended quickly
My flatmates were of course trying to help me and also argued with the bouncers and we reported it to the police. I was only in gran canaria
for 6 months so I never showed up at the court to identify the perpetrator.
9. Rumble in the forest (jumpp STYLE)
Ali and Me were partying hard in the techno club; amager techno, which was in Islands Brygge
in the green area (close to Gronjordskolegiet). One moron and his friend/cousin (immigrants, second or third), the small one made himself
wider with shoulder and attempted to sort of bump into me and I obliged. I made myself wider and bump hard into him with pleasure (I was drunk and also
on drugs to my recollection) but I was innnocent once again! As soon as we bumped, he turned and without saying a word he threw his bottle after me. WIth my
super reflexes I dodged and the bottle hit the wall behind and exploded.
10. A night out with Cristina Lerche
After existing Hatten bar in gronskolegiet, a random person jumped me, without a motive. I was tipsy but I could remember everything.
There was no bumping, no insults, no spitting, no starring, I
was 100% innocent. As usual I accepted the challenge and we fought by rolling around the grass and I did my signature move and punching
the person in the face and stomach, very hard punches. I think he also manage to punch me in the torso while struggling to defend against
throat lock. In the end we both stood on our feet and he yelled "stop, stop, I thought you were a pussy!" and apparently to my surprise that
was the reason he attacked me. I'm a person that doesnt really hold grudges so I said Okay and I accepted the explanation and shook hands, we went our separate
ways. He want away getting his asshole served to him, and I went up with Cristina and got some nice pussy (sorry about the language).
Date: 2011
11. Beat down of Krumme
Another fight in Hatten bar. This fight was not a fight I wanted or enjoyed because an innocent person who perhaps did not want to fight or
doesnt like violence, got a blue eye and some marks. Basically a beat down.
So my dear friend Andreas aka Pinochio, had a problem with a particular fella.
Date: 2009/2010
12. HEADBUTT in Bodega Norrebro
One beautiful night during my University years in CBS (Copenhagen Business School) I went out with my classmates and we went to have some drinks.
I suspect the occasion was semester had ended and this called for celebration. We went to the bodega on the corner in Norebro gade
near Sankt Hans tov. We were sitting around a table and drinking and having the time of our lives. I went up to the bar and ordered another
Tuborg and when upon my return to the table there was a strange man that decided take one of our seats and sit by myself. I think he also trying to
chat with the girls from class, but they were not interested and also told him the seat was occupied. He didnt care and probably was drunk as well.
I went over to him and told him the seat was occupied, and he basically told me to take a hike. I replied 'faggot' and then turned my back and went
back to my mates. As I turned my back and walked towards my mates, he stood up and faced me and then proceeded to pulling his head back and with
full force pushed his forehead into my face. His forehead hit my nose area causing a bad nose bleed and bruising.
Without hesistation and before the man was able to make a move, I once again made my super neck grab move and punched the sh*t of him with my
right hand. While holding his head down in a locked position around his throat, I made three powerful uppercuts sequentially, then the bouncers came
and while being separated I was pulling his eyeball or eyelid and half punched his eye area.
Date: 2010
13. DOWN IN CHINA TOWN (Hatten bar)
In my entire sweet and short street fighting career this is the only time where I was knocked out unconsious.
The main antagonist was Dildo (as usual). We were playing table football and we beat the other 2 guys and Dildo was insulting them
and teasing them at how bad they were. They were provoked and one of them was trying to sort push or slap Dildo, but not really fighting.
I was playing the role of a peacekeeper and tried to calm things down. After that things went quiet and then I had black out. Next thing I
remember was that I was sitting next to a girl whom was comforting me and whipping off the blood from my face with a clout.
I have no recollection of this fight but I was told by witnesses that 2-3 guys (the same ones from the table football game) were provoking
us and trying to start a scrap. I got hit with an object in my face (a bottle most likely) and received some punches. To be honest I dont know if
I managed to punch back or did any type of damage as my brain was fried. I also had a badly bruised foot not I'm not sure if I hit with a object or
I was stomped on my foot area. From what I was told the fellas attacked me from behind and knocked me down, and the battle commenced.
The aftermath of the great showdown in Hatten bar left me with two parallel 1-2 cm scars from where the top of where the nose meets the eye socket area
and the cars vertically crossing into the forehead. Creepingly this injury is both on the left and right side, appearing like someone drew two
exact thick lines parallel. Almost like a joke! During the night we continued to drink in Hatten bar while I was bleeding alot, it was bleeding for
much the people around insisted to go the Hospital. I was hesistant but after a few drinks I sadly agreed. While waiting for assistance in the hospital in the middle of the
night, my thoughts were: "oh god, I hope I dont lose my eyes" or "I hope I dont look deformed" because I bleeding alot and it looked pretty bad
in the mirrors and door reflections, but then again I was pretty drunk and almost seeing double. There was alot of brusiing and blood on my forehead area and further down in the
nose area so I was nervous that I would never be the same again. The whole waiting process was a nightmare; first I went to Risbjerg Hospital with
Dildo the Cockmaster instigator, then I ended up in Bisbebjerg Hospital patient room waiting for my turn. Being drunk and brusied up and waiting for many
hours, I feel asleep on the chair. I awoke when a man entered the room and yelled Jesper, I immediately "Yes thats me" and followed the gentleman. It turned
out he was taxi man that was taking me to another hopsital. He was explaining that the Hospital had ordered him to transfer a "Jesper" to Frederiksberg
Hospital for some reason. I didnt really understand what was going as I was drunk, tired, beaten up and jsut wanted to go home to my bed asap.
Ohhh boy! Impressively upon our arrival to Frederisberg Hospital we found that he transferred the wrong "Jesper" to this hospital and they arguing about
who should pay the bill. I explained to the staff that when he yelled "Jesper" I simply responded and followed, like a clueless soldier following orders told to shoot at
anything that moves. There nobody else in the waiting room that reacted and since my name was also Jesper I followed him to the taxi. I suppose the nice staff
felt sympathy for me and my face and of course told me I shouldnt pay anything and it was the taxis fault. The problem was now that since he transferred the wrong
patient that was scheduled for surgery or more urgent, the poor Jesper was still in the other Hospital waiting and probably wondering "where the hell is my bloody ride!",
and I had to start from 0 in another patient room and wait again for my turn. Again I fell asleep, however I woke up when they called me amazingly.
By the time it reached my turn the clock had reached 6 0'clock. In the end the doctors did their magic and stitched up my beautiful face.
In total I had around 8-10 stitches. Not too bad ehhh!
My foot, although nothing was broken, also suffered damage and was badly swollen. I had to walk on crutches for 1-2 months before healing completely.
I called my pops and he picked me from the hospital. Always a pleasure to call my parents up early in the morning to pick me from the Hospital, but they should
be use to it. He picked me up and was unsurprisingly looked shocked when he saw me. Inside the car he didnt ask too many questions
but did slip a comment or two. This was becoming a best practice, almost the standard procedure.
My dear friend Dildo came out squeaky clean, no damage taken, and came out on top almost like a hero saving the day.
In conclusion this epic battle was lost with casaualties, with me representing the casualities.
Date: 2010 Winter TBC
14. Punching random racist guy
Location: Radhuspladsen
I was walking down the street alongside my friend Kuzze aka Puzzy. We were crossing the light and then I heard 3 chaps insulting
minorities. One of the chaps, who was doing most of the shouting, yelled "Fucking South Americans, dirty bastards" and many other
slurs. I immediately walked over, casually, and punched him right in the face. As my fist made contact with his nose area I also
lost balance and fell on the ground. Please note, I was drinking beers and shots several hours before. As soon as I fell to the ground
I got up and looked over to the chaps for a 2-3 seconds. There was no movement or reaction from the chaps and I could see the guy I had
punched had a nose bleed, perhaps a broken nose, and he was complaining. Just as I had walked over casually, I casually walked back to Kuzze
and that concluded the evening.
Date: 2011
15. Stabbing in Istergade CBS party
Story pending....
Location: Istergade
Date: 2012
16. Club INN chicken run
Kuzze decided to throw a bottle. The bottle landed perfect between 4 bouncers having a conversation.
Imagine a small 1 meter rectangle and then an object lands in the center of this rectangle.
Upon impact with the ground the bottle exploded and the debri hit the 4 bouncers.
Naturally the bouncers ran towards us and then we started running. Me and ali were the first to run, so naturally the bouncers ran after us
thinking we were the ones that threw the bottle. Kuzze had thrown the bottle in a discreet way and nobody saw him that he had done it.
Not even I was aware that he was guilty one.
We ran a couple of blocks, and the bouncers were cathcing up. All of a sudden Ali was on the ground and the bouncers were on him.
I dont leave a man behind, so I went back to help, and I jumped on a bouncer to get him off Ali. I fell to the ground and one bouncer
was holding me down, my face on the ground. I was not resisting and felt comfortable laying on the ground. I could almost fall
asleep. Another was going back and forth between me and Ali, and was kicking me in the face and then kicking my friend in the face,
repeated this a few times. I remember an mature lady passed by and was asking me, as I lay on the ground still, "What did you guys do?".
After 5-10 mins the Police and arrested us and took us down to the station. I spent the night in a cell by myself.
17. Aggressive Girl and pathetic Boy
It was another great night under the moon light. Me, Bamse, Ivan and Dildo were going around the city center looking for a place to
continue to drinking. A car drove past us (I believe it was red) and it was a bit close to us as we were crossing the street. Dildo
decided to knock on the backside window to indicate they were a little to close. It wasnt an aggressiv knock but people react differently.
In this case the car stopped and out came a woman and punched Ivan in the face, and also went after Dildo and Bamse. Next thing I know the girl
tried to punch me, I immediately fist her in face. I'm not sure where I hit her but she made a sound like a wounded puppy and backed off. Then
came the boyfriend after me and we wrestled on the ground. Barely a few punches were thrown and I had him in neck/throat lock hold. I was bleeding
a bit but it didnt come from a punch, I suspect it was from the fellas various rings which were sharp and stratched my face like a pussycat.
It was a fight to forget and nothing memorable. The guy was very pathetic and trying to insult me with "Oh look at you your are bleeding."
I pretty laughed it off and told him he was pussy, and his girl was better at fighting. There was a third guy, the driver, and he was a big fella
but he more obseving the situation and didnt participate in any physical fight. Perhaps he also thought it was a bit of a pathetic fight and he had
better things to do. After a few back and forth insults the situation died down and they went back in their car and we went the opposite
direction. It was a fight to forget and nothing memorable, although the girl did beat up Ivan, Dildo and Bamse, sort of.
Location: City Center near Stroeget, Kobenhavn K.
Date: 2009 TBC
18. Fight in CLUB INN with Andreas
Another fight were I have no recollection of the actual fight itself. All I remember was the bouncers had taken me away and
kept me in corner, and I bleeding from my left eye. Andreas came by and said "okay, awesome," sarcastically commenting. Apparently
another fella who was moaning and whinning, and I suspected he was the victim of my assault. Without knowing what happened and knowing myself,
I probably had pushed this fella for whatever reason, and probably pushed his mates as well, and this started the fight. I have no idea
if I was only fighitng or several people, but he seemed pretty upset, and since the bouncers were surrounding me I was most likely guilty as charged.
I kindly asked the bouncers, "Can I go over to him and say sorry", they said "yes" and I went over to the fella and apologized. I was drunk so
I articulate a long speech, but instead offered a simple "Hey sorry if I did something I didnt mean to."
He was still sort of upset and his facial expression appeared quite grumpy and angry. He said a few words and then went next room. There
was no hand shake and the vibe was negative. I did not understand what he said, but lets just say he was not happy camper and probably did not
accept my apology. Since the bouncers were still close to me and keeping eye on me, I understood as well that I was not welcome to continue partying
so I gave my ticket to the wardrobe lady and grabbed my jacket, and went home alone!
Date: 2011
19. Triplets, Dildo and Fight!
Another cosy night, yet another another bloody fight! This time a drunken monkee along with his monkee companions, walking the towards us.
The main monkee spots one of triplets, perhaps he saw all three and since they all look a like randomly picked the closest one,
and walks straight at him, blocking his walking path, and shoves his monkee head facing the triplets face. At this point they are facing each other,
only a couple of centimeters from contact. If one of them would lose the balance and fall forward 2 centimeters their lips would be touching one
another. The starring contest, with no words spoken for +7 seconds, is interrupted by the triplet uttering the words "okay so what now?
Are you going to do something?". Please note the triplets are made up Daniel, Paul and Phillip. They look exactly alike, like a copy paste
feature on your computer. I was drunk (as usual) and since I'm not exactly a spring chicken either, my memory has also gone down the sewage with details,
and I do not remember which of the triplets was starring the drunken monkee.
Suddenly there was a bit of commotion, I stepped forward like a knight in shinning armor, and boom. In one movement
I had quickly punched the drunkee monkee in the face and then the altercation was stopped just as quickly. This concluded the fight
and it was a quick smash and grab as they say.
20. Tranny fight in La Rambla
This was an epic night, almost legendary. Pinochio (aka Andreas) came to work and live in Barcelona. He lasted 3 weeks in his position and
ultimately fired. We went out the last night before you was fired, I believe it was a Thursday night, and we partied hard.
Date: 2017
21. Street fight with robbers
Story pending....
Location: Outside Marina metro
Date: November, 2023
Honorable mentions: -Fight in the train. Me and my girlfriend vs 2 junckies, one of them pulls out a knife. I ran :) -Fight in train near dybbelsbro. Me and Gareth with a grafiti can. Guy kicks me and pulls out a knife. I stayed and waited to see if he wanted, but he backed the fuck up -Kicked an Eskimo and he fell to the ground. Felt bad afterwards as he was a drunken Eskimo just acting like a silly willy. -Football fight in Spain. Guy kicks me, I kick him and becomes a big brawl. Typical football scuffle. -Football fight in Portugal. I kicked on purpose an aggresive player, and he also confronts me, I push him with my shoulder. He didnt do anything because he was pussy!